The first wonderful touch I was planning...err...

end_of_hope @ 2008-08-18T09:34:00

2008-08-18T16:36:05Z

I cant wait til russian 2!
it's going to be fun.
College, for me, is more fun than anything.

Also, Chris might be getting a better job, but its night stocking so it'd mean he'd go to work, come home, sleep a little, go to school, sleep a little bit more, go to work, repeat.

I hope it doesn't tire him too much.
Even though it will.

Also I put in three aplications in for a jobs.
They seem a little hopful. Please pray I get at least one.

end_of_hope @ 2008-08-11T09:29:00

2008-08-11T16:32:22Z

Last night I was holding three of Chris' fingers as we walked up the stairs.
It was leading me to the bedroom. Once we got to the bed he switched hands too the one closest to the bed and pulled me to it.

But it the pull was light.

He let me lay down, then he laid next to me.
We kissed.
Then fell asleep.

Romance

2008-07-21T01:44:46Z

I realized that I don't have any pictures of my husband and I up.
I thought, "Hey maybe I should take some. Everyone else seems to be doing it."

But then I came to my true realization...

I don't need pictures of us hugging or kissing or even holding hands to prove that I love him and that he loves me.

Besides when I see so many girls with their pictures and captions about their "man" (even though I bet hes not even close) and how much they feel the need to tell every one about their latest love interest.
Whereas I never see any of the guys say anything about them in their profile.

Sometimes I laugh, but mostly I think...What do their girlfriends think?

I don't need to tell anyone and I don't want to tell anyone. All you have to do is just look at my eyes and look at Chris' eyes when we see each other and know that we love each other.
And I think that tells it all.

There is still romance in this generation. You just have to look for it.

end_of_hope @ 2008-06-30T01:47:00

2008-06-30T08:48:53Z

P.S.

I'm tired of changing it to the public setting.
So from now on:

feeling

2008-06-30T08:14:33Z

I have a feeling those anon. comments were from ricky.
Probably drunk.

end_of_hope @ 2008-06-27T23:28:00

2008-06-28T06:28:07Z

Note

2008-05-02T03:52:52Z

I can't wait til I get home to pass the time in my room alone

end_of_hope @ 2008-04-30T00:46:00

2008-04-30T07:51:15Z

I put my journal settings in Russian so I'd be forced to translate every thing.
I did the same thing to my camera.

Pretty sure

2008-04-25T02:42:34Z

I'm pretty sure if we relax.
Everything will be a lot easier to take.

Wow

2008-04-09T23:56:53Z

I get really emotional when I talk about my dad or think about him.

but not in a bad way. Like a "I wish I want to do so much more for him than I can."

I'm a bias hypocryte.

What's a dad for dad?
Tell me why I'm here dad
Whisper in my ear that I'm growing up to be a better man, dad
Everything is fine dad
Proud that you are mine dad
Cause I know I'm growing up to be a better man

Father I will always be
That same boy that stood by the sea
And watched you tower over me
Now I'm older I wanna be the same as you

What's a dad for dad?
Taught me how to stand, dad
Took me by the hand and you showed me how to be a bigger man, dad
Listen when you talk, dad
Follow where you walk, dad
And you know that I will always do the best I can
I can

Father I will always be (always be)
That same boy that stood by the sea ~(the boy that)~
watched you tower over me (over me)
Now I'm older I wanna be the same as you
The same as you

Father I will always be
That same boy that stood by the sea
And watched you tower over me
Now I'm older I wanna be the same as you (x2)

[in the backgound 2nd time]
When I am a dad, dad ~(when i am a dad, dad)~
I'm gonna be a good dad ~(i'm gonna be a good dad)~
Did the best you could, dad ~(did the best you could, dad)~
Always understood, dad ~(always understood, dad)~
Taught me what was right, dad ~(taught me what was right, dad)~
Opened up my eyes, dad ~(opened up my eyes, dad)~
Glad to call you my dad ~(Glad to call you my dad)~
Thank you for my life dad

silent hill

2008-03-07T08:47:56Z

I'M WALKING ON SUNSHINE--

*cocks gun*
*shoots monster*

WHOOOAAA OOHHHHH

Time wasted

2008-02-22T08:32:11Z

I have been thinking lately. I've gotten over Jacob in 3 days after he left me. Within that time I repressed all my love for him during the day and at night I would dream about us still being together again.
I've heard from my some other women that I need time to get over someone. I think within that time of the three days I repressed all my kind and caring feelings so far down that I'm actually apathetic all the time. Although I am happy at the same time. I think my heart has lost all feeling. I think repressing all that love I had for Jacob in such little time has been bad for me in the long run.
Sure I don't love him now, but I'm afraid that one day I'm just going to start hating you, and I love you so much I don't wanna do that.
If I do that it'll be extremely painful for me to do that again.
Which brings me to my point...
Recently it feels like a giant rock has replaced my heart. When I'm not with you and around other people I remember that you're my boyfriend, I just don't care as much, not like I go hit on other guys or sure hes my boyfriend so I have to love him, way, its a yeah hes my boyfriend...So what? Kind of way, when I'm by myself at night, I miss you terribly, when I'm talking to you I feel happy, carefree and loving.
I constantly argue in my head if I should be nice or not. And it scares me because I think ALOT, and when I think alot I usually have another voice in my head contradicting my optimism.
I question my sanity and care for other people a lot.
I'm worried that I don't love you you as much as I think I do. My mind feels like I'm moving but I'm going no where.
I'm not breaking up with you. I KNOW I love you, I think it's just my heart thats scared of getting hurt. I know everybody gets scared, which is what I am, I hate that I think this way. And I worry about how it'll effect you.
I love you more than I know I do. Deep inside my heart you are loved with all the unyielding love one can have for another. I mean it.
It's just hard for me to get my heart to shut-the-hell up and accept that I love you, and I will get hurt eventually. It feels like I have to convince myself that I love you.
It's being stubborn and a bitch and I hate it. I hate my heart so much that I just won't accept the fact. It's annoying and I'll take it out on you if I didn't say anything...
Go ahead hate me now, I deserve it.

think about it

2008-02-21T00:22:28Z

Recently I've wondered if I really do love Ricky.
Honestly, I don't think I do, in my heart. I think my brain wants to love him because my kindness towards him is unyielding and he needs that type of love.

But if he dies, or kill himself. Which could happen, nd I don't doubt it.
If he told me he was going to and I tried to convince him otherwise... I would most likely say, "it's better if I stay."

Though this sounds completely self-centered and ridiculas... I am not a judging person. And I care about a lot of people.
It would be better if I stayed because I can help other people.
I'm a nice person, I just don't feel like being a nice person.

None-the-less... I believe it is only my brain that wants me to love him.
I think its because he said I was the only thing keeping him alive and if I leave him then a death would be on my hands. And I don't know about you but I don't really want that to happen to me.

But, I know I love him, and I don't want to stop.
I think its just me being afraid to love again.
But confidence gets you everywhere.
--------

If its not that, than it'd probably be because I am re-losing all my emotions.
Pretty much everything I feel in front of people is fake now-a-days.
I wish I felt something more than this.
I wish there was something more than this life, but I know theres not.
----

Lately I've been wondering what is going to happen to me in 10 years?
Will I be married?
Dead?
Have a great job?
Or still live at my mothers....

But according to my optimistic side I'm going to get married around 21 to Ricky, ad live in Australia.
Would be have his own house by then? Cause I really don't want to live with any family after I get married.
I think that maybe if we break-up I'd move out of state or go to another college out of state, get a job, and move into an apartment.
Sure its a dull life. But I'd like to think that I'd make friends?
-----

Well I'm moving to my dad's house this summer anyways. I'd think that I'd live over there every summer there. Maybe one day after college permently.
Cause I'm sick of this life at mom's house.
I hate it there. And honestly I could care less about friends there.
I mean Grace and Adam are more than likely going to be going out. And I wouldn't want to be with them anymore. And Mikes going to hang out with them all the time.
Whatever. I don't even want to think about it.
-------

I feel like I'm drifting from everybody.
I don't know if it's cause I am very emotionless right now and being more logical or am I just being pessimistic because I am apathetic.
------------

I really like Sick Puppies. They are a good band.
---------

Getting better at Russian. Insanely better.
And I think one of the native speakers really likes me.
I think it may be because I am a girl, heh. Or am I interesting?
I dunno. Maybe she wants to be friends. I feel a little guilty because she's Russian and I can't remember her name, much less prenounce it... -_-
Got a 75 out of 100 on my test thanks to her help. I like her alot. Shes my favortie person there.
Even Marla(the nicer teacher) I like.
Strange...

Anyway I am bored with writing. Math is next. I took a test last week, maybe I did well.

end_of_hope @ 2008-02-14T15:22:00

2008-02-14T23:22:22Z

Dont say you love me

2008-02-05T11:32:39Z

Gosh why does Ricky have to be so gay?

I told him it bothers me but he still does it.

I dont even know

He sure as hell doesn't know.

I can't think clearly now anyway.
========

My kness have been hurting alot lately

Notice these things.

2008-02-03T12:12:16Z

I've noticw with each of my boyfriends I've hidden something from them and showed them something personal.

With Matt I hide my fear of being rejected. But I still let him in naive. Lol I was a fool.

If any of you were long time readers(which is very unlikely) You would have thought that I was truely in love with Matt. He was the one who I thought would fix me. He wasn't.
My love for Matt never exsisted, for I didn't know what love was then.

DJ... I didn't love him as much as he loved me. But since he was my next boyfriend after Matt and I was still uneasy I didn't let him in at all. By the time DJ came around I had already givin up on the idea that anyone would fix me, ever.(it still is true today) No one can save me. Only I can save myself.
My love for DJ was muffled.

With Jacob I never ever showed my feelings for him. Ever. Although he was the one who I loved the most. I knew this was going to end badly. I did see it coming. I believe now that for Jacob our relationshop was too difficult to keep going, so he gave up.
Loving Jacob was hard. It was very emtionally straining.
My love for Jacob was passionate.

With Ricky... Well it's kind of the same with Jake. ALthough I care and love Ricky than anything. Looking back at it now, when I thought Jacob was hard to love, well Ricky by passes it. I always put my emotions to the side for him, well...When their not over running me with depression.
My love for Ricky in unconditional.
And Ricky compared to DJ(who was the one who loved me the most before Ricky) Ricky tells me he loves me more than DJ ever did.
But DJ was young and I was his first girlfriend, so DJ didn't know anything girls.

I think what I have in common with all of them is that I hide all my true emotions.

I guess I'm not ut to get hurt.
By the real secret is... Did/do(Ricky) I really loved/love any of them?

I don't know.

go ahead

2008-01-10T08:05:06Z

Go ahead Ricky. Tell me you don't love me.
Try to trick me.

But I believe the real thing you should try to be a least bit emotional is that one day I'll stop trying.
And one day you'll wonder why I stopped saying I love you.

Just don't forget that even though I won't say I love you as often in the future, I do.

New beginngs

2008-01-05T02:13:36Z

Also Jake brok eup with me a week before I dated Ricky.

Turns out he didn't like me anymore. Apparently, but when I asked him why he claimed he still loved me romantically.
I asked why is he breaking up with me then.
He said he had too.

I guess, from what I heard from Cassidy, he got confused somewhere along the way and grew away from me.
Its okay though. I kind of figured he didn't love me or care about me so it not new news to me.
Lol
He was such a bullshitter.

The same day he broke up with me he went out with his ex-friend, who, get this, started getting interested in him because he was being a rebel with me.

Its also equally funny because he told me he was going to tone down the rebelness.

So...I looked on his myspace last night with Mike and Grace.

It said he had a girlfriend .
Then a few hours later he no longer had one and she wasn't his number one.

I think they broke-up. Which I find hilarious because me and Mike totally called it.
Hehe.
Also I remember when he broke up with me that next year will be better and he has "this feeling" that it will be.

Oh the cruel irony.
I was heart broken when he broke up with me.
Now I have a new boyfriend(even though he lives in Aus.) who is completely and totally in love with me.

And he went out with his ex, now they broke up while I'm super happy.

Heheh

Pay backs a bitch ain't it?

end_of_hope @ 2008-01-04T18:03:00

2008-01-05T02:06:01Z

I have a new boyfriend. He is from Australia. Has the accent and everything.

Has a big house, Two actually. One near the beach in Aus. and the other in a forest like area.

One problem though, but I care not to mention it.

Hes nice to me. He claims hes emotionless alot but I don't believe him.

We've been going out for about a week or so and I already really really like him..

He said he loves me and wants to marry me, but I know its too soon for marriage.

He asked me when he was drunk(Sound familiar?) I said no cause he was drunk. I would have said no even if he wasn't drunk but whatever.

He doesn't like Adam too much and he thinks Mike is dumb.

Although for Mike I told Ricky(His name) that he has to get used to Mike cause he practically lives at our house.
ricky no longer speaks ill in frount of me about him..

One more bad thing though....
He cheated on tw of his girlfriends.
I cant help but wonder if he'll do the same to me.
He said when he was drunk. Quote.

"I would never will cheat on you.

Faith,
I'm not smart enough to lie atm(Drunk)
I love you."

I thought that was sweet.

dying

2007-12-14T21:15:20Z

I think I fantasize my death too much beucase I often think about it. Alot

Like I really want to do it now, bt I want to wait until after christmas so no body would have wasted their money on me

life

2007-12-14T02:56:07Z

life has not gotten better. in fact it has gotten worse.

My mom and dad got into a fight today.

Jake and I....

I don't know. I'm afraid he might cheat on me while we're on winter break because we won't be able to talk to each other at all.

I don't know... I wish we could talk more.
Its all so sad and depressing.
I wish it would justs top.
this hurts too much.

my chest feels heavy all the time I think of it. Like something is filling my chest area with something heavy and painful. Its a dull pain and all it does is sit there.
Even when I laugh it doesn't make a difference.
When I'm happy its there.
Angry, its there.
Its always there!

I just want it to stop. all I want is it to stop.

end_of_hope @ 2007-12-11T16:32:00

2007-12-12T00:32:16Z

life sucks...it just sucks.

I hate it.

end_of_hope @ 2007-12-10T16:42:00

2007-12-11T00:44:36Z

in b4 gay porn.

Turns out jakes best friend told told everything I said to tim about what I was going to do with my life.
lulz

its so funny cause me and tim remember me saying that I was purposefully going to say stuff so john would hear(jakes best friend)

Hahaha...
Good times goooood times.

Well since its towards the end of the semester I already took my final in weight training today.
I failed.
And bullshitted my way though the final question, lol.

Oh well one last final before I have winter break...Than MOAR collage!
woo.

Logic is not my friend.
no really, thats a class I'm taking...Logic.

honestly

2007-12-07T19:17:05Z

people should not get mad at you for sad or depressed.
I would know.
My mom gets mad at me for it.

heres a song

go listen to the song: everythings not alright.
Its a great song.

http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=179103905

alright

2007-12-07T19:08:14Z

I've decided I'm not going to let jacob go that easily.
We're going to see each other whether he likes it or not.
cause me and mike were brain storming and we've got some good ideas.

I just hope it doesn't blow up in my face.